I write this as I suffer from a Monday filled with nothing but sadness and darkness. I guess you could say it was my own personal hell.
I had a solid 8-5 school day with stressful breaks still full of work. A Bible study I was bitter going into because I was mad at God. Because my day started with a failed exam and the tragic, too-early death of one of my dogs. I’ve lost pets before. I expected it and I was okay and held everything together. Not this time. This time it was an unfair thing and a terrible way for my dog to have to suffer.
And I’m so angry. I’m so, so angry.
Why would a God I put SO MUCH faith in abandon me like that? Why would a God that claims to love me like his own daughter take away such a precious part of my life? I don’t know. I don’t think I’m ever going to figure it out.
I’ve always been told God puts us through trials to test us or to bring us back to Him. This time I don’t think I needed that. I can’t find a reason or a silver lining in this at all. I can’t. I have kept faith and did not need the death of my puppy to reestablish it. There was nothing to reestablish. So I thought.
If anything, this ordeal weakened my faith and hardened my heart. It only happened less than a day ago, and I’m obviously not healed from these feelings yet. Faith is a struggle. It’s always a struggle.
But somehow in all of this, I have laughed. I have found friends that care about me and people that love me. I’ve been told at least pain is something. At least I have the ability to feel pain. And I know that it’s pain because I’ve experienced joy at a time before. Right?
I can’t say that I’m happy. I’m far from it. But somehow God remained faithful in giving me a really amazing group of people to surround myself with. And those people remind me it’s okay to be angry and it’s okay to feel sad and weak.
These friends remind me that “God is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18).”
Is He? I couldn’t feel it alone. But I feel it in the relationships I’ve formed with the best and greatest people I’ve ever met. And because of the support and the love and the encouragement I receive from them, I still see beauty in the world.
It’s there. It’s always there. Even when it’s impossible to see, it’s there. God is there.