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Crying out

I had come back from a full day of an internship, a class, and rushing to get my study abroad application filled out by deadline. I had complete confidence in myself to get the task done. Then I called my dad.

A semester abroad is a bit of money—money we don’t have. Money we’re already using to pay for school to avoid student loans at all costs. Pun a happy accident.

I’ve been told no before. Maybe not a lot because, ya know, only child, generous parents. So why did this no devastate me 10000x more than the others?

I didn’t really understand my level of weakness until my friend drove by me on her bike and stopped to say hi. The conversation kind of went like this.

“Summer! How are you?”

And then I responded in silence because I started crying.

What?

I felt like a brat. Why was I crying? So I can’t spend 4 months in Italy unless I get a scholarship or we win the lottery. Some people never even leave the country in their entire lives. My life here is good. I do a lot of things. I have a nice group of friends, a nice relationship, a nice church, a nice campus, nice classes. You get the idea. And I’m crying because I can’t go to Italy?

Well, as it turns out, there was a deeper issue.

I wasn’t trusting God to direct my future. I had taken control into my own hands again. I stole God’s pen and started trying to write my own story again

It’s only been a few days since this happened and I still don’t know if Italy is happening. I don’t know anything really. I’m still wrestling to keep the pen in my hands, or at least be the co-author of my future.

But I’ve gotta give up this control.

You see, every time I struggle in this uphill battle, feeling like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, I’m simply forgetting that Jesus already did that. 

Jesus already carried the weight of the world on his shoulders and he already overcame it. He already won.

This is great news! Why don’t I feel better then? I think I’m still having trouble believing it. That this huge God could care deeply for me, just a speck of dust in the scope of eternity. I don’t think I believe that God is acting in my best interest. I don’t know that I believe my sins were included in the ones Jesus erased forever.

But it’s true. In my head, I know it’s true. I’ve felt it, I’ve experienced it.

God has a great, deep love for us more than we could ever imagine, and he cares for you despite how you fail time and time again.

This kind of love is incomprehensible and maybe that’s why I can’t wrap my head around it.

Today this is my prayer:

Your will above all else my purpose remains, the art of losing myself in bringing you praise. Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame. In my heart and my soul, I give you control. Consume me from the inside out, Lord. Let justice and praise become my embrace to love you from the inside out.

 

Lord, my soul cries out.

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